I don't know what to do with my fear

It was a fear I never thought I would ever need to think about, dwell upon, because I figured I wouldn't be in a situation where the fear would become a reality. But now I have and although I did everything right, I convinced myself for about two days that I would have to go to a drug store and purchase a test. One question. Two possible answers. I was mortified since I heard a story that planted the fear in me all along. I suppose people think I am a horrible person who can't keep secrets, but this isn't true. I do keep secrets. You wouldn't know because I haven't told you the secrets which I have kept.

I just can't keep things that could destroy me to myself. It's like a defense mechanism. I could never keep anything to myself which I think can become an issue with some people who cannot express themselves or ask for help. I fortunately or unfortunately have the ability to tell people how I feel even if I don't want to, but manage to have avoided any situation where I could have endangered myself. I shouldn't have said anything. I don't want people not to trust me. I don't want people to think bad of me.

But I don't know what to do. I didn't know what to do.

I want it one day, but not now. I'm not ready. And naturally many people would probably sneer or be like, "Duh. Then you should have waited." Perhaps. But I was ready for that. Just not for what probably isn't true.

Still, I don't feel right, but I think it's that time of the year when my stress rages out of control and affects my body and my mind. Stress is a potent thing, especially in me. It seemingly numbs me and yet at the same time, makes me "feel too much."

I want to be able to tell my friends if I need their help, but lately I don't know who to tell. Whose going to listen or is somebody just going to judge me? I feel like I messed up and told people too much. But I wanted them to know. I don't want to regret, but I'm beginning to. And whose fault is that? Mine. Just me.

I'm scared. I don't have anything to be scared of, but I am. I don't want to be hugged or touched. I don't know if I want to be spoken to. I don't really know what I am asking for or wanting. I do want something, I don't know how to ask for it or what I am asking for. Maybe somebody else knows. But if something were to happen to me, please somebody take care of me. I don't know what to do with my fear.