I can't help it

He looks at me and says, "What happened?" He is very sensitive to any gesture, however small or any nuance, however subtle. Sometimes if I am smiling at him, I still illicit the same response from him. He cannot read my mind and I don't think it scares him, but sometimes he wants to know what I am thinking or if I am OK. Simply, "what's up?" He smiles at me from all angles. I smile back. He has this impression on me where things just can't materialize. I can't seem to form thoughts or coherent speech sometimes. Sometimes even my ability to smile is impaired. I just am saturated in feelings, in emotions an pure, unadulterated love. I forget to move. Thankfully I still breathe.

I just smile back or shake my head and say, "Nothing." I don't know if he is afraid or just amused. He usually doesn't not press me further unless I don't say anything. When this happened, I realized our time together was ending and in hours he would be gone again. That is a thought I have difficulty bearing even though we both know we will be together and are always in some form, some shape "together." This is our seventh month! This is when I can't respond. He keeps pressing me, "What happened?" or "What's wrong?" I move closer and hold him. I press against him and he knows what I am saying.

When it leaks from my eyes the next morning and I just can't stop. He is not alarmed or disgusted but instead understands what I need. He pulls me against him. We fit together, our curves for curves, nestle against one another. He slings his arm across my shoulder and I can rest my head, my cheek against the crook, the junction of his chin, his cheek and his nape. He says quietly a mixture of "[Please] don't cry", "I'll be back", "We'll see each other soon/We'll be together soon." I know all these things are true. I told him, I think. I try to wipe away the tears and manage, "I can't help it." He answers, "I know." He understands. He is such a wonderful person.

I told him this and he told me, "You're a wonderful person too."

All those fears, petty and nightmarish, all of them vanished. I feel so confident and so happy with him. I realize he is as nervous and worried as I am about some matters and I need to affirm that he has nothing to fear. He said things that made me so happy and I know I told him things that made him happy. They were things that weren't not just said to make a person happy. They were not lies. We say what we mean and mean what we say. I would never let him hurt me. He would never hurt me. I would never present myself as a fake or falsify anything in our relationship.

He told me, "You can tell me anything." I can. I know I can. I want to tell him everything. I told him about things I didn't know how to explain to him online. I wasn't sure if I should, but I did. Anything I want, I can tell him. And he told me things that were sensitive and I told him, "I love you anyway." We are human beings and should not apologize or act like we are anything but human.

More importantly we told each other how we felt. And felt what we told. It's a deep, understood euphoria.

I told him why he was wonderful. Why I appreciated him. Because there were terrible people out there and I was glad he was not one of them. He responds. He acknowledges this. I know he does not like to dwell on unhappy things. He said that I was serious and asked me why I was so serious. I told him that's not entirely true, I do have a sense of humor. He said that this was true. He worries that he doesn't make me happy. This is not true at all. He must know this. Otherwise I wouldn't cry when he leaves. No, I do more things than that that must make him understand how much I love him.

I know he loves me. I know this so deeply now.

And for this, I cannot help. I can't help it.

Missing him so much. And it just falls from my eyes now. I haven't seen him since Saturday morning, that was only two days ago. But it never gets easier saying goodbye to him. Never.