Weak, Strong

I can't tell if I'm stronger or weaker.

I feel like I've regressed somehow.

Physically I feel inadequate and I'm in awe of what others can do. I'm glad there were a couple others at my level, but still, I feel like I'm...pathetic.

Yes, pathetic is in fact a accurate way to describe how I feel.

I feel like I'm so physically weak.

I feel like despite all that makes you stronger when you are with someone, it makes you weaker.

I was fine before I met him, before I liked him. I was happy and content with the world, with my world. I was a snappy single and now I contemplate dark things when we are apart, because I'm still in absolute denial. It brings bad luck.

I miss him when I'm not with him. I wonder if he feels the same way.

I wonder if he's feelings have changed, despite knowing how he feels about me and how evident it was from all that has happened this summer.

I wonder if he has looked at me then at other women and seen how I'm really not that great. I mean, well I am fun and happy, but others are "er." More.

And that's why I feel upset with myself.

I used to be confident, carefree and strong. I was annoyed with how my friends felt when they were with someone, because it seemed to just tear them down.

Now I'm in that boat and I can't talk about it anymore. I've become one.

I don't want to be. I need to find a way out of this. Sometimes I wonder if I should break up with him, because it's just weighing on me so much.

I don't really mean that. I want him so much it hurts. Liking someone really takes the stuffing out of you.

I don't know. I really don't know, because I know when I see him next, all will be well again.

But eventually I won't see him anymore and then the feelings of distrust will come out and with no trust there is no love. Jealous drives you mad.

I know. I saw "Moulin Rouge."

That is not the ending I desire.