"The message I didn't want to send you"--Open Letter

I have a better time expressing myself in prose/poetry than straight forward emails, I feel like I can better communicate. This is entitled "The Message I Didn't Want to Send You."

I didn't want to be a kill joy, especially in the last email which makes this whole thing stupid, but you're my best friend and I wanted to tell you.

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Tell me that I'm crazy. Or not crazy.

Tell me that there's nothing to worry about, but I still doubt anyway.

I am a pessimist. And it's destroying me.

I don't want to be a force that turns you against me. I don't want you to hate me, because I am still wary of the man although I've never met him. And I don't have a right to judge a person I have never spoken to or met. It's you who know his character, but I assume everything about him based on what you say.

I suppose it's something that is...I don't know, built into me. I'm always pretty wary about my friends' boyfriends (and now girlfriends.) Argh. What I trying to say is, that I am happy you starting telling me the truth about who you are now and what you do and what you believe in. I won't lie, it was very difficult to listen to everything and sometimes I still have difficulty processing everything, but I'm so happy you told me.

My friends have their problems and their boyfriends, but you deserve better than them all.

No some fairytale hunk whose as empty as book without pages, but someone of flesh and blood whose flawed, only because he's human. Maybe even human isn't good enough in my book, because I want the best for the ones I really care about, because they are the most deserving.

Hearing you say you're happy and that you've had an "awesome" time is a good thing.

I'm always going to be in your life, no matter what I hope.

Sophomore year was probably one of the worst years of my life. So much death and destruction. I've been really struggling to be a "good friend" and also a "good person." But I'm really struggling and I suspect that I may need counseling to learn how to deal with everything.

For example, A.

I'm really tempted to de-friend A on Facebook. I can't even stand looking at her posts. I say this and know I am a truly evil person, but she makes me think very darkly and horribly of her. And what she shared with me really disgusted me. The worst part is, I don't even feel bad. I really don't like this person that I have become.

I feel like I'm not someone who a younger version of me would accept. I feel like I would reject myself. I was just thinking about it and realized that I have a lot of problems and although I don't do drugs, I am addicted to worrying. I worry so much about people I love that it makes me go crazy. I kept asking friends of mine if it's wrong to worry about my friends and they say it's normal, and as much as people try to assure me and you assure me that everything is OK and I don't have to worry anymore, I still do.

I feel like I've become immune to things. Hearing horrible things, seeing horrible things. They don't ignite the heavy emotional response that I used to feel. I feel like sometimes I just react mechanically, because that's how I've been "programmed to feel."

god. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be a killjoy. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I don't really have any friends. I was thinking about the friends I have and I feel like I have two. You and E. And sometimes it feels like I don't have any, because you and E and I are separated by time and distance and the million other things that are going on simultaneously.

They are certifiably outrageous.

I am hoping things will change come summer.