I feel like [a] lost/er

If I say too much, I'll draw unwanted attention to details of matters that I'm not ready or willing to disclose. It doesn't matter if I'm ready or if I'm willing, I won't reveal them. People need to focus on rebuilding themselves, myself included and unfortunately, this doesn't involve helping each other, because sometimes we need time for ourselves and the only strength lies within us to make the change. I think my whole life what has kept me going and alive is friends. Really, that's the only thing that keeps me going. As much as I hate people, I love people. Sometimes I really hate being around others, but I have to be around them eventually, because I don't like being alone.

Although I'm learning to appreciate myself more. Taking time out for myself. I mean I hate looking at myself in the mirror, but thinking about how somebody else looking at me, something I'm already not very fond of, just makes me even more stressed.

But not even half as stressed as all the things that are going on right now. I feel like a loser. I feel so lost.

I'm missing Buddy, which makes me think of Jennifer. Which makes me think of all the things I've lost. All the people I've loved and lost between 2010 and 2011. I just want one thing to go right. I just want one thing to go my way. Painless and quickly.

Just one thing.

I don't wear make up anymore. Or exercise. I eat dessert. I don't shower until the dark of the night. I'm too loud and say stupid things as if my speech and intelligence are being sucked away by something, maybe my lack of sleep. I'm always tired. In a perpetual state of sleeplessness. I get agitated easily, but I hold it in. I'm just plowing through. I want to succeed at something.

I just want the comfort to know that I'm impervious, but in reality I know I'm the weakest blob of flesh I know. And probably the fattest. I'm dragging so much baggage, nobody knows.

I don't even know if I succeeded in keeping my mouth shut.

I think I failed.

Well there you go. I'm a perfect example.