Changes

OK this there have been some changes this year, I mean aside changes that were dictated by death and love and loss.

Buddy is officially a Chin. He's settling down or has settled into our life. He is in dire need of training, so I fully intend to devote this summer to training him. Maybe Lauren can give me reference to a place where I can take him, wherever she took Emerson to.

So. People are together and not together. That's tough. I wish I had more to say about the latter, but I don't know what to say. I'm single, have been and will be for a while. It's not Fate I'm leaving that up to, it's me. I'm been around and alone, I know I make it sounds barren and desolate with tumble weeds and shit, but being single rocks. At least for me. Hey, I do get lonely, but I have friends. So no, actually I'm not alone.

I'm feeling like...When you're in a relationship, you feel more alone, because even though you're with that person. You rely on them so much and invest so much in the relationship, that when it fails, you feel like you're not going to make it. You seem to forget how to survive, how you survived before the relationship even took place. Yeah, it scares me. I don't want to forget. I appreciate being single and heavens, I don't want to do what has been done to me.

I wish I could say more, do more. Make people happy. For me, single is also synonymous with selfish. Yes, I admit I am very selfish. It's me, me, me. I admit! I don't really like "me", but I'm devoting more time and energy to succeed "me." Make "me" happy, feed "me", etc. Do everything for "me." And it's energy and time consuming. I'm pretty gross.

Now that doesn't mean I'm going to not help my friends in need, because they need "me" probably more than I do right now. I mean, almost as much as I need sleep. God, I'm exhausted.

I am so very tired. But I have to keep going. Keep plugging away. I want good grades. "Me." We. I. "Me" needs good grades. Excellent grades.

And that internship. I hope that internship does not fall through! I am so worried about it. I sent an email to the guy yesterday. Waiting for a call. Nothing yet. Please please please.

As far as the changes in relationships and group dynamics. I mean, I knew when it started it wasn't going to be easy. It was startling and difficult when it first happened, I'm sure everybody and at least I remember how badly I took it in the beginning. I mean it wasn't like I didn't want them to be together or to be happy together, I really did, but I was worried about the future. And when things settled, I didn't think about the future in terms that were end-worthy. I thought it would just keep going. And now, it's all in reverse. I guess I'm just lost. Because the surprise wasn't really surprise and there was no shock. And yet there is at the same time.

It's weird. Very strange. Hard to explain. I guess I didn't see the end in sight, but I knew it was there. If that makes any sense.

I'm so sorry. That things aren't fun or happy.

Just look at my two week ago dream world. Nothing but nightmares.