Leftover Cold Turkey That You Don't Dare Reheat But Here Goes: Relationships
Today was a good day, it was a good pick-me-up, even though I haven't been sad in a long time. Stressed perhaps, but not sad. And well, I have had some crying moments, but only because of Jennifer. I still really miss her and I'm excited about our, my new dog, but I just hope and worry about him. I hope he's the one we were supposed to have and welcome into our family to fill that void, to open our, my heart to. I hope Jennifer would or will approve of him.
Anyway. It was a good day. I saw Disney's "Tangled." It was delicious, it was entertaining and adorakable. The animation was good and the characters embodied their voices. It was very theatrical. I felt like I was watching an animated Broadway musical. I loved it.
It doesn't really relate to what I'm going to be saying, what I'm going to be writing about, but I just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering about "Tangled." It satisfied that child in me who deep down still covets Disney, despite knowing the grim reality about these over sugared fantasies regarding sex and race, but anyway. I was happy and I'm so glad it didn't disappoint me.
Anyway. Relationships. I know something old as opposed to new. Something so beat up and so far back in the refrigerator in my brain, it's probably moldy and disgusting and if it isn't, it's that leftover that nobody wants to touch. It's been reheated so much in the microwave, it's taste has exploded and not in a good way. And it's dry, cold and mushy. But here I am digging it out, because I'm contemplating what I felt and what I saw.
It was the five of us and I was in the middle and I was behind. It was the Sx2 and it was sF+D. And of course, me. Two couples, all friends and me. I'm the single one out. Literally. And it didn't bother me, it doesn't bother me. It's so weird, it's not even a mourning feeling I felt or a tragic observation that I noticed. Frankly, I'm afraid they ALWAYS notice that they are together and I'm--OK I won't say 'alone', because 'alone' usually means that I'm actively searching for someone and bemoaning the fact I'm single, and that's not true--on my own. I think that they think that I feel left out and try to hold me with them, between them to ensure that I don't get jealous or feel isolated. And well, it's great that they notice this and it sucks like shit when they don't notice, but I guess I'm...I'm "getting used to it." I'm tired of fighting and thrashing wildly inside and outside of my thoughts and feelings, about being a third wheel or a fifth wheel. And honestly, it doesn't bother me.
It was weird. Not weird, but I felt good.
They were holding hands and walking together thinking about one another and enjoying each other's closeness. They were together. And I was behind them, hands in my pockets clutching a Transit card and lint. Their heads are probably full of each other, but I was off side, thinking about stories and the dynamics of the couple I was envisioning in my brain. And it hit me, that I wasn't alone. And I didn't feel it and I didn't fear it. And you know it's not like I had a epiphany or anything. Because I don't worry as much as I did before about never finding The One.
It was just like an out of body experience. I noticed that I wasn't wishing or angry or jealous of them. I wasn't thinking about the guy I wish I was snuggling up to. In fact when I considered going down that road and a guy did come to mind (the one who I just dreamt about and realized I'd sleep with and feel OK about), I didn't want him there. I'd rather be the girl walking the dog. I'd rather be the writer.
And I'm glad. I don't feel sad.
And then they came along and they grabbed me.
And lately I've been told that with all my standards for guys, I should go for women.
Well, SK, I would go for women IF I was that way. I know myself. I am attracted to masculine women, but when it comes down to it...Do I want to kiss them? Do I want to have sex with them? Do I feel for them? No. They were women and I am a woman. And I am not attracted to women in that way. If they look and act and sound like a man and look like my "type" then I'm like, "If only you WERE a MAN." But yeah I know and I don't appreciate being pushed. The question has been innocently asked before and I've answered it. I've given it thought, but no. It's not who I am. I am heterosexual and comfortable with other sexuality, but I myself am interested in heterosexual biological males.
I've been getting annoyed again. I feel like I'm being attacked. AGAIN. Same old, same old. It's getting real old. And I fucking hate old, leftover dry as a dusty road, turkey. I'm getting real sick of it.
Hey. We hate the same thing. It's been said that we're essentially the "same person." Why do you have to self-hate? Why do you hate yourself so much? If you criticize me, then you must be criticizing yourself. And frankly we're not the "same person." Duh, even you know that. I'm your alternate self. Do I threaten you, because you fear that part of yourself? Do you hate that part of yourself? Are you seeing me and seeing yourself
And I realize our similarities. But you know what? I don't hate you. I don't hate that you're with someone. That you're with our friend. And that you guys are in love. You hate douchebags as much as I do. You dislike penis, but suddenly I'm the man hating penis hater.
Oh yeah and I hate white people because I hate Taylor Swift. What else do I hate?
Why are we fighting? Why are we arguing when we both agree on the same things? Why can't you just let it go? Me go? Let me go and leave me be. We hate the same things and you say something and I say the same thing, but when it comes from me I'm unreasonable and wrong.
It's not fair. And I'm getting tired of saying it and feeling the same way I always do when it happens. You make me run and believe me I'll go. I have more arms now. I've got a dog. And you just make me wish Jennifer was alive and my friends from high school were closer and more accessible, because they never make me feel this way. I make them sound ridiculous when I speak of them, because I love them so much. And they love me so much.
They understand me like nobody ever will. They took four years to get to know me and I know them inside and out.
Love doesn't happen just like that. They were a miracle.
Yeah here I go, round and round like some sick merry go round. I'm so tired of this ride. As much as I dream about having an apartment and freedom and away from the dormitory and independence I want to learn from, I don't think it'd work. It's been less frequent that I have been upset, but I feel like something will happen that would just make it permanent. I fear that, because I do value everyone here. But things have changed, I don't know exactly what components are responsible, but the relationships have affected me.
It's something I'm grappling with and learning about. I realize that I know more about love than I realize or will admit to people or admit to myself. But I do know love and I guess it's something I've understood for a long time. But hey, I won't throw myself off a cliff for love.
I'm tired of being treated like a threat or; a poor single friend whose singleness needs to be actively interpreted or inappropriate suggestions must be made for her; or anything more or less than I am, a friend.
God, I'm so tired of this. I think I'm onto something though.
Anyway. It was a good day. I saw Disney's "Tangled." It was delicious, it was entertaining and adorakable. The animation was good and the characters embodied their voices. It was very theatrical. I felt like I was watching an animated Broadway musical. I loved it.
It doesn't really relate to what I'm going to be saying, what I'm going to be writing about, but I just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering about "Tangled." It satisfied that child in me who deep down still covets Disney, despite knowing the grim reality about these over sugared fantasies regarding sex and race, but anyway. I was happy and I'm so glad it didn't disappoint me.
Anyway. Relationships. I know something old as opposed to new. Something so beat up and so far back in the refrigerator in my brain, it's probably moldy and disgusting and if it isn't, it's that leftover that nobody wants to touch. It's been reheated so much in the microwave, it's taste has exploded and not in a good way. And it's dry, cold and mushy. But here I am digging it out, because I'm contemplating what I felt and what I saw.
It was the five of us and I was in the middle and I was behind. It was the Sx2 and it was sF+D. And of course, me. Two couples, all friends and me. I'm the single one out. Literally. And it didn't bother me, it doesn't bother me. It's so weird, it's not even a mourning feeling I felt or a tragic observation that I noticed. Frankly, I'm afraid they ALWAYS notice that they are together and I'm--OK I won't say 'alone', because 'alone' usually means that I'm actively searching for someone and bemoaning the fact I'm single, and that's not true--on my own. I think that they think that I feel left out and try to hold me with them, between them to ensure that I don't get jealous or feel isolated. And well, it's great that they notice this and it sucks like shit when they don't notice, but I guess I'm...I'm "getting used to it." I'm tired of fighting and thrashing wildly inside and outside of my thoughts and feelings, about being a third wheel or a fifth wheel. And honestly, it doesn't bother me.
It was weird. Not weird, but I felt good.
They were holding hands and walking together thinking about one another and enjoying each other's closeness. They were together. And I was behind them, hands in my pockets clutching a Transit card and lint. Their heads are probably full of each other, but I was off side, thinking about stories and the dynamics of the couple I was envisioning in my brain. And it hit me, that I wasn't alone. And I didn't feel it and I didn't fear it. And you know it's not like I had a epiphany or anything. Because I don't worry as much as I did before about never finding The One.
It was just like an out of body experience. I noticed that I wasn't wishing or angry or jealous of them. I wasn't thinking about the guy I wish I was snuggling up to. In fact when I considered going down that road and a guy did come to mind (the one who I just dreamt about and realized I'd sleep with and feel OK about), I didn't want him there. I'd rather be the girl walking the dog. I'd rather be the writer.
And I'm glad. I don't feel sad.
And then they came along and they grabbed me.
And lately I've been told that with all my standards for guys, I should go for women.
Well, SK, I would go for women IF I was that way. I know myself. I am attracted to masculine women, but when it comes down to it...Do I want to kiss them? Do I want to have sex with them? Do I feel for them? No. They were women and I am a woman. And I am not attracted to women in that way. If they look and act and sound like a man and look like my "type" then I'm like, "If only you WERE a MAN." But yeah I know and I don't appreciate being pushed. The question has been innocently asked before and I've answered it. I've given it thought, but no. It's not who I am. I am heterosexual and comfortable with other sexuality, but I myself am interested in heterosexual biological males.
I've been getting annoyed again. I feel like I'm being attacked. AGAIN. Same old, same old. It's getting real old. And I fucking hate old, leftover dry as a dusty road, turkey. I'm getting real sick of it.
Hey. We hate the same thing. It's been said that we're essentially the "same person." Why do you have to self-hate? Why do you hate yourself so much? If you criticize me, then you must be criticizing yourself. And frankly we're not the "same person." Duh, even you know that. I'm your alternate self. Do I threaten you, because you fear that part of yourself? Do you hate that part of yourself? Are you seeing me and seeing yourself
And I realize our similarities. But you know what? I don't hate you. I don't hate that you're with someone. That you're with our friend. And that you guys are in love. You hate douchebags as much as I do. You dislike penis, but suddenly I'm the man hating penis hater.
Oh yeah and I hate white people because I hate Taylor Swift. What else do I hate?
Why are we fighting? Why are we arguing when we both agree on the same things? Why can't you just let it go? Me go? Let me go and leave me be. We hate the same things and you say something and I say the same thing, but when it comes from me I'm unreasonable and wrong.
It's not fair. And I'm getting tired of saying it and feeling the same way I always do when it happens. You make me run and believe me I'll go. I have more arms now. I've got a dog. And you just make me wish Jennifer was alive and my friends from high school were closer and more accessible, because they never make me feel this way. I make them sound ridiculous when I speak of them, because I love them so much. And they love me so much.
They understand me like nobody ever will. They took four years to get to know me and I know them inside and out.
Love doesn't happen just like that. They were a miracle.
Yeah here I go, round and round like some sick merry go round. I'm so tired of this ride. As much as I dream about having an apartment and freedom and away from the dormitory and independence I want to learn from, I don't think it'd work. It's been less frequent that I have been upset, but I feel like something will happen that would just make it permanent. I fear that, because I do value everyone here. But things have changed, I don't know exactly what components are responsible, but the relationships have affected me.
It's something I'm grappling with and learning about. I realize that I know more about love than I realize or will admit to people or admit to myself. But I do know love and I guess it's something I've understood for a long time. But hey, I won't throw myself off a cliff for love.
I'm tired of being treated like a threat or; a poor single friend whose singleness needs to be actively interpreted or inappropriate suggestions must be made for her; or anything more or less than I am, a friend.
God, I'm so tired of this. I think I'm onto something though.
posted by Chinny at
5:23 PM
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