December 5, 2010 Sunday/Read Me/Names
I had a terrible dream. I fought with my dad. Strange, I haven't done that consciously since senior year of high school. I feel bad for my neighbors. I apparently trashed around quite a bit and kicked, and these dorm beds have wheels and creak like Hell. Hopefully didn't disturb too many people.
Yesterday was weird.
I was in a good mood and then it dimmed and then got angry, vented and felt better. I don't really have many reasons to be in bad moods these days, because after a while I just stopped caring. But lately things have gotten worse, even though I thought this year couldn't POSSIBLY get any worse.
So Nana might be dying or she might have given up. And of course that makes me think of Jennifer. But Granpa, isn't doing terribly, but he's not doing much better, but he can live independently and Nana is in nursing. Either because she doesn't want to go back because she's afraid OR because she's giving up. She fell and now she can't get up. And it's all too real and painful, because she and he are in their 90's and this is my worst fear. I feared one of them would outlive the other. They've been together like 70 years. Longer than anybody I know. And who's to say if the marriage was "perfect" and I hope they are still attached to one another. I think they are, although they may be like contemporary Asian couples today who still don't believe in divorce and just live separately in the same house. I doubt that's the case, because they still are together and share everything and have one bed they both sleep in, until now.
Christmas we're going to do our best to be together and to enjoy one another for however long we can. But mom unloaded some worry on me and I think that may be affecting how I'm taking the world around me these past few days. Not to say I haven't been annoyed independently of what's been depressing me. And the new dog. I'm excited and terrified of him. He's new and new is unknown and he's got a condition, but I'm determined to make this work. More worry. Great.
I once told Vivian that although it was incredibly unreasonable and very selfish, that I didn't feel like anybody else should be upset and only I could be upset. Not because I wanted everyone's attention or worry or support, but just because I wanted to be the only one upset. I wanted everyone else to be happy and ignorant and I could just be undisturbed and angry/depressed. I guess if I figured it would be better if nobody noticed my mood and I could just say whatever I wanted and do whatever I wanted and everyone wouldn't see it, hear it. Vivian said that was totally fine. She told me she has her own unreasonable and unfeasible demands. And that it's perfectly alright to want more for yourself at times like this. How is it possible that she is better and wiser and knows exactly what to say in all blunt honesty, that the Student Health Department can't?
---
So I'm assuming I've been read.
Well, why wouldn't I? I put the link where people might see it. I don't really know who reads me and I don't really care. This is a blog. Blogs are meant to be read. Doesn't matter if the audience is just yourself, but that's what you do. You blog. You write. You rant. You lie. You cheat. You truth. You tell. You do want you want. And if you share, you share. And if you hide then you hide.
Well, who doesn't lie? And who doesn't cheat?
I rant and I write. I put the link where people might find it, might see it. And they will discover a dimension of myself and should they hate what they read and what they see of me, then the only fault can lie within myself, because I put the link out there. And yet, they clicked on it and read it. I don't really blame anyone, because how could I? Why would that be fair?
Honesty is a supposedly a virtue . Lying isn't a crime, but it's wrong isn't it? The truth hurts.
Yes it does. And I suppose it's the price to pay, because "the truth" is being "honest."
And yet, the truth can hurt people. The person who tells it and the person who receives it.
---
I created this blog about a year or so ago. Since then it's been made or actually before it was made I made a decision to be non-specific with names. I know exactly why I did this. Because, this blog isn't blocked, it's out there in the Cyberworld. People, anyone, any person can read this IF they find it and if they choose to. I'm writing this and people are reading this and I write people who I know, and I don't what people who don't know us to find us.
So I don't give information. I give cues and I give clues. People who know me and people who I know and of course, myself, will understand and will know exactly what I'm talking about.
Which goes hand in hand with the who reads me and who gets upset and who worries and who cares about what I say and who I say.
Yesterday was weird.
I was in a good mood and then it dimmed and then got angry, vented and felt better. I don't really have many reasons to be in bad moods these days, because after a while I just stopped caring. But lately things have gotten worse, even though I thought this year couldn't POSSIBLY get any worse.
So Nana might be dying or she might have given up. And of course that makes me think of Jennifer. But Granpa, isn't doing terribly, but he's not doing much better, but he can live independently and Nana is in nursing. Either because she doesn't want to go back because she's afraid OR because she's giving up. She fell and now she can't get up. And it's all too real and painful, because she and he are in their 90's and this is my worst fear. I feared one of them would outlive the other. They've been together like 70 years. Longer than anybody I know. And who's to say if the marriage was "perfect" and I hope they are still attached to one another. I think they are, although they may be like contemporary Asian couples today who still don't believe in divorce and just live separately in the same house. I doubt that's the case, because they still are together and share everything and have one bed they both sleep in, until now.
Christmas we're going to do our best to be together and to enjoy one another for however long we can. But mom unloaded some worry on me and I think that may be affecting how I'm taking the world around me these past few days. Not to say I haven't been annoyed independently of what's been depressing me. And the new dog. I'm excited and terrified of him. He's new and new is unknown and he's got a condition, but I'm determined to make this work. More worry. Great.
I once told Vivian that although it was incredibly unreasonable and very selfish, that I didn't feel like anybody else should be upset and only I could be upset. Not because I wanted everyone's attention or worry or support, but just because I wanted to be the only one upset. I wanted everyone else to be happy and ignorant and I could just be undisturbed and angry/depressed. I guess if I figured it would be better if nobody noticed my mood and I could just say whatever I wanted and do whatever I wanted and everyone wouldn't see it, hear it. Vivian said that was totally fine. She told me she has her own unreasonable and unfeasible demands. And that it's perfectly alright to want more for yourself at times like this. How is it possible that she is better and wiser and knows exactly what to say in all blunt honesty, that the Student Health Department can't?
---
So I'm assuming I've been read.
Well, why wouldn't I? I put the link where people might see it. I don't really know who reads me and I don't really care. This is a blog. Blogs are meant to be read. Doesn't matter if the audience is just yourself, but that's what you do. You blog. You write. You rant. You lie. You cheat. You truth. You tell. You do want you want. And if you share, you share. And if you hide then you hide.
Well, who doesn't lie? And who doesn't cheat?
I rant and I write. I put the link where people might find it, might see it. And they will discover a dimension of myself and should they hate what they read and what they see of me, then the only fault can lie within myself, because I put the link out there. And yet, they clicked on it and read it. I don't really blame anyone, because how could I? Why would that be fair?
Honesty is a supposedly a virtue . Lying isn't a crime, but it's wrong isn't it? The truth hurts.
Yes it does. And I suppose it's the price to pay, because "the truth" is being "honest."
And yet, the truth can hurt people. The person who tells it and the person who receives it.
---
I created this blog about a year or so ago. Since then it's been made or actually before it was made I made a decision to be non-specific with names. I know exactly why I did this. Because, this blog isn't blocked, it's out there in the Cyberworld. People, anyone, any person can read this IF they find it and if they choose to. I'm writing this and people are reading this and I write people who I know, and I don't what people who don't know us to find us.
So I don't give information. I give cues and I give clues. People who know me and people who I know and of course, myself, will understand and will know exactly what I'm talking about.
Which goes hand in hand with the who reads me and who gets upset and who worries and who cares about what I say and who I say.
posted by Chinny at
8:54 AM
1 Comments:
Hmmm, well, I don't link my FB to my blog anymore, and I too keep people's names anonymous/code named. Do you know if blogger.com has a friend-lock feature like LJ? That can kinda help with the privacy issue.
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