"Scared of losing all the time" --"Glass of Water" by Coldplay

I feel like not only am I losing all the time, but I feel like I'm really alone. You must be very careful what you wish for, not that I wish that I was losing all the time or that I feel alone. I just well, I complained so much and was angry so often with everything around me, people or places or work or rest, that well I got exactly what I wanted. Everything just sort of dissipated, everything just kind of went away. Not really, but pretty much.

And I realize that there are better things out there for me and that the things that I'm letting go of or that are going away, well they were nice once and perhaps not again. Maybe things will be this way, but Vivian was right. Things change, they always change. Sometimes for the good, but not always. Sometimes for the bad, but not always. But things change. They rarely stay the same. And that is very true. I understand what she meant by that.

I just notice that people who I had trouble with or people I told trouble with, are gone. Everyone that I befriended last year is well, distant and gone. I suppose that was something I did not expect, but I did not relationships to come up and I did not expect me to react to them. I did not expect to be alone and I suppose I didn't realize how and what alone meant until it happened.

I don't think a person can go on with life without regrets. I don't think anybody should have regrets, but people have regrets and that is more realistic than not having them. I think it's inevitable unless you're a perfect person and have a perfect life. I am not perfect and I do not have a perfect life. I don't think it was perfect without Jennifer, but I know now that it can never be without her. I miss her so much, far more profoundly than I verbalize to others and far more than everyone knows or anybody knows.

I don't mention her very much, but there are nights when I just lay awake and cry, because I know she's gone and in thinking of Safi's work, I wonder if I'll ever see her again and then I cry, because I want to see her again, even if I don't believe in heaven. Dead people go Somewhere. That's what I wrote. And I believe that. And when I say "people" I don't mean that is only true of human beings. Nouns go somewhere.

I just feel alone. I feel isolated here. Even though I'm not alone. I'm either surrounded by noise and bodies or music and objects.

I feel fat and like my bones are becoming fat. I feel like my back is compressed and my shoulders are too tight. I feel like my family is too far and yet when I hear them, they are too close. I feel like I'm naked, but I'm wearing clothes. I feel like I had someone, but I really didn't. I feel like I'm losing. All the time. And when Coldplay sings about being able to see your future in a glass of water and ripples, I'm afraid I wouldn't want that sort of power, because God Forbid is in my future.

Will I have a dog? Or will I have him again? Will he still be with her and have her? Will I be alone? And just when I thought I could be a single momma and live forever and ever in a house with friends and pony dogs, I went and became sentimental like a teenage girl who thinks her first is her last and her first is the only one.

I realized how much I want to hold hands and for me holding the leash with a dog on the end of it, is the best thing like holding hands. I realized that when I wanted to have sex for the first time there was only one person I thought could take that from me or be a part of it. Whatever you lose or gain in sex, I thought that's who it would be.

I thought that Jennifer would be only and ever dog love, but I'm realizing she just might be.

I forgot what you lose when you have dogs. What is ruined and what you keep. What is destroyed and what is bought. I must remember or else it will never work and we'll wind up returning the dog and adding to the cycle which I worked three months to break.

I realize people think I'm crazy. Think I'm obsessed. Maybe I think too little and love too deep. Maybe that makes me like the Phantom of the Opera. The Phantom. The Opera Ghost. O.G. The Angel of Music. Under his wing. What I wouldn't give to hear him sing! His obsession was beyond passion, but his passion was beyond obsession.

I'm not obsessed with dogs to the extent that it's dangerous to my health. God, I sound like a freak of nature. No, I love dogs. I profoundly love them. Yes they smell, they drool and they shit and sometimes they miss. But they are the best things in the world.

Jennifer was the best thing in my world and always will be. I've been told she'll walk with me and I suppose even though she got older and went before I was ready, she still is here. I mean she always will be. I wish she could help me with this next dog, but I know she will. She'll tell me to remember and she'll tell me to forget. She'll remind me and get me to remember. I know she will. And my parents too.

I'm just so scared of losing all the time. I'm just terrified of being alone as much as I need it and as much as I want it. I need to be more careful of what I say and what I sound, what I want and what I get.

If I lose everything that I did last year and if I lose everybody that I know last year, then that's just what Vivian said. Things change and rarely stay the same. From one year to the next, things happen and things change and rarely stay the same. Why did I think this year would be like last year? I was naive and I didn't know anything.

I know now. I know now that I'm scared of losing all the time and what I feel and what I say is not what I want and not what I get.

I will straighten out my spine and get my muscle back and put that fat to use. I'll find friends and I'll find love or I'll find nothing. I won't wait for my life, because my life won't wait for me. My future is undecided and has no roads.

And there is a dog in January. There is a dog in January.

I'm just so scared of losing.