Running Up that Downhill

Yesterday was one of many Bad Days. A string of Bay Days that has been going on since before yesterday, October 11th, since before August 11th (it's been two months since Jennifer's death) and since even before that.

I went to counseling for the first time in years. And when I say years, I mean YEARS. Many many years. I went to counseling was I was very very young. So young I don't think my mom even told me it was counseling, in fact I may not have even realized it at the time. Anyway, I went yesterday and well, I cried. I swear they always make you cry even if they haven't even asked any questions. I hope yesterday will not be like every session, because you get 10 freebies which is a lot, but only an hour, so you don't need to do math. When you are doing counseling and are feeling the way I do which is, I never really want to wake up and just want to sleep and forget, 10 free sessions for 1 hour each, is worrisome. Especially and maybe only if what happened yesterday is what will happen for the rest of these sessions. And I won't go if that's the case.

She just asked me to talk. And well, I've been talking this whole time, maybe not to a professional, but I've talked here and with my mom and with my friends and when Jennifer was alive, I talked briefly to her.

God, I was such a wreck yesterday. Not that I was good the other Bad Days, but yesterday was horrible. I was hoping so very much for improvement, but I know it takes time. But I feel like I'm going nowhere. Really, I feel like I'm going nowhere.

And God. I'm turning 20. Next year. I feel so old. Some people are excited, but I am not. Not at all. I didn't like turning 19 or 18 or 17 or 16 or 15. I was excited at the time and thankfully was surrounded by loving friends each time, but I was sad each time. Each time. And now, I just don't feel my age, I feel older and at the same time, very very young. I'm scared of my own future, because although futures are "undecided" and although I'm on the "right track", I know if I don't get help soon I'm going to derail.

I don't know how and I don't know when, but I know it's going to happen. I am going to meet my breaking point and when that happens, it's going to be terrible. I'm trying to prevent that from happening, by doing everything and anything I can. But I don't know how much longer I can go on.

I talked to Mom after my session, because I felt really discouraged and really just like an idiot. I was crying and warbling. I hate crying in front of me. I really do. And she was this nice older woman just rocking back and forth, most likely just trying to get a feel for my situation. She kept saying, "That's a lot. A lot of sadness. So much sadness." Yes, I am very sad.

I'm going to keep going. I'm not going to give up, even though I really want to. I feel like Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but instead of those personalities splitting and taking place interchangeably, I feel like both in one body at the same time. At the same time. I'm constantly canceling myself out. I want to do well and excel, but I feel lost and upset, so nothing happens. And one part of my completely freaks out. A part of me doesn't want to be around anybody, but the other side really wants to be around people. So I'm with them, but then I hate them and try to push them away or remove myself. Nothing is working.

And I don't want meds. My doctor is fast to prescribe me medication. My neighbor ODed. He was on powerful medication. I'm terrified of what they do to you. I hear stories. Awful stories of depressed people ODing on their meds, well duh, yeah it's because they do it to themselves but other stories of how people on meds wind up taking their own lives, because the meds make it worse than not having them.