SOS Distress Stressed Depressed
It is late in the day, no longer early and I haven't done any homework since I've woken up at around 9:50 am to about 10:00 am. I am feeling very stressed over the amount of reading and writing that is expected. I'm so very worried about it and yet I can't bring myself to do for some reason. It doesn't feel right at this keyboard for some reason...It's very very odd, but I have to get two sets of writing down in time for my class on Tuesday, my Beginning Fiction Workshop, I have two assignments and I've down all the reading. It should go fairly fast if I just buckle down and do it, but I'm exceptionally nervous about sharing my work in addition to well, what the teacher expects. Very very worried. Naturally. Natural feeling I suppose.
Apart from feeling distressed and stressed, I'm feeling very lonely. I haven't gone out today at all. I don't think there's any point really. There's nobody to see or speak to. I hung out with my friends yesterday and had a lovely time watching "Shallow Hal" and "Cool Runnings" with them, it was very fun and we went out to Chili's, which I haven't been to in about eight or nine years. Deliciously dangerous. But today was a day for homework as well as Monday (and cooking and packing up the rest of my things), but I haven't been able to stop doing useless things on the computer AND I can't stop myself searching and researching for probable, potential dogs. It's torture.
I feel so lonely though. I miss my parents. I'm not afraid to be alone in the house and it's weird, because I'm not quite alone. Jennifer's ashes were picked up days ago and are resting in a beautiful box with a golden plaque that reads: In Loving Memory of Jennifer. Not at all what I thought the ashes would be like. My mom and I were very impressed. I'm a little nervous about opening the box though, because well...I shouldn't be, it is Jennifer's ashes, but I am quite uncomfortable with death. Remains. Ashes. Ashes make me think of darker things, but Jennifer was my sweet girl and I should not fear her ashes. You can apparently unscrew the bottom in order to gain access to the ashes, but I don't know if they are free in the wood box or packaged in another way. I want to plant Jennifer into the Camilla bush that she loved so much. I had forgotten the plant wasn't Jasmine. No, Camilla. Jennifer loved Camilla and since I am quite certain my parents will never move and they have no intention of selling our property, Jennifer will be always part of our house.
I feel lonely, because even though Jennifer's ashes are here and now I feel like Jennifer's spirit can visit the house, the house is silent and empty. I still instinctively "look" for Jennifer. Whenever we return to the house and come through the front door, and my dad goes to unlock the door, I relate the opening of the door and the turning of keys with Jennifer's greeting. She usually lay right in front of the door and stirred immediately when it opened; she always was waiting for us to come back or she'd come running from wherever she was to see who it was. Or she'd simply stand at attention, knowing we were back or somebody of her family was back. But, she's not there behind the door or bathed in golden light or lying in between the chair and the couch in the TV room or curled in her brown plush bed in the laundry room. I can see her in every spot and sometimes I feel like she's still there. But when I search for her, she's invisible and clearly not there.
I can't stop myself from not doing homework and doing what I should be doing to work towards my goal of next May dog re-talks. I need to do it, because if I don't keep up my end of the bargain, I shall become distracted and overfly fixated and my grades will plummet. I fear that immensely and I have no intention of doing any such thing, but I am scared I won't be able to control myself. I thought I was done weeping and would simply be sad and miss Jennifer during specific hours on specific days or every day, but the pain is still as fresh as it was when I realized Jennifer was no longer spry and safe in her age. The tears are still flowing and there's an uncomfortable swelling in the place where if I were a man, the Adam's Apple would be. It's a tightness and a sore feeling that always comes when you are very sad and have or will begin to cry. I can feel it, like the ache in my spine from slouching too much at the computer and the stiffness on my sides.
I regret eating that chicken sandwich yesterday. And the mango pudding this morning and the sandwich I made. Why did I do those things? I wasn't hungry, I didn't need it. I did it, because at the time it was either social or necessary. I have to eat, but I'm not hungry. Food is not the least bit interesting. Whatever feeling or excitement associated with whatever I happened to have wanted, goes away almost immediately or while I am eating it. I didn't need it. Same with clothes purchased. I really shouldn't go shopping or anything. I really don't want any material or edible things. I am really sad and I really want a dog.
From the research I collected this morning and reading and thinking, I have come to the decision that I will indeed lead our family to a rescue or shelter dog, and it will come from one of three locations:
1) The San Jose Animal Care & Service Center
2) German Shepherd Rescue of Northern California
3) Golden State Greyhound Adoption/Greyhound Friends for Life (essentially same type of organization, same format/application process)
I have to say neither of the three types of dogs that are offered at these locations are what I had in mind for the rest of my life. I never would have considered a small dog (usually what is at standard shelters) or a Greyhound for that matter. I have always admired German Shepherds, being quite attracted to large dogs with big ears and primarily people-dogs, but didn't consider having one myself. I realized after having Jenni, that I prefer dogs who are all about "me/people" than other dogs. I would rather have a dog who only likes people than a dog who doesn't like really anything, but food and sleep which is just what Maverick prefers, although he does enjoy his people, they just aren't his first priority. My experiences at the shelter have changed my opinion greatly and made me less apprehensive of some dog breeds and more aware of ones I had heard about in the past.
I figured that if I really wanted to make a difference in the life of a dog, giving a home to a former racing animal who by no doubt has had a shit life, would be a Greyhound. And we had a friend or rather an acquaintance that had a Greyhound rescue and was very content with their dog. I've been reading and they live far longer than most large dogs as they aren't plagued by many diseases that most large over bred dogs have. So that's an upside against the German Shepherd, which I am putting first next to getting another Standard Poodle. I forgot!
Another option, which is sort of a wild card:
Bay Area Poodle Rescue/Northern California Poodle Rescue/Southern California Poodle Rescue
All three of those places have very little Standard Poodles that come through their organizations compared to the other places.
But I have to get my homework done first, and my grades raised.
Good news is though. I had a talk with my mom and she said that she and my dad are beginning to realize how much I need another dog, especially dad who was the most adamant about not thinking about one. So there is hope. I hope.
But for now, I must get my homework done. NOW. So I can stop being to stressed.
Apart from feeling distressed and stressed, I'm feeling very lonely. I haven't gone out today at all. I don't think there's any point really. There's nobody to see or speak to. I hung out with my friends yesterday and had a lovely time watching "Shallow Hal" and "Cool Runnings" with them, it was very fun and we went out to Chili's, which I haven't been to in about eight or nine years. Deliciously dangerous. But today was a day for homework as well as Monday (and cooking and packing up the rest of my things), but I haven't been able to stop doing useless things on the computer AND I can't stop myself searching and researching for probable, potential dogs. It's torture.
I feel so lonely though. I miss my parents. I'm not afraid to be alone in the house and it's weird, because I'm not quite alone. Jennifer's ashes were picked up days ago and are resting in a beautiful box with a golden plaque that reads: In Loving Memory of Jennifer. Not at all what I thought the ashes would be like. My mom and I were very impressed. I'm a little nervous about opening the box though, because well...I shouldn't be, it is Jennifer's ashes, but I am quite uncomfortable with death. Remains. Ashes. Ashes make me think of darker things, but Jennifer was my sweet girl and I should not fear her ashes. You can apparently unscrew the bottom in order to gain access to the ashes, but I don't know if they are free in the wood box or packaged in another way. I want to plant Jennifer into the Camilla bush that she loved so much. I had forgotten the plant wasn't Jasmine. No, Camilla. Jennifer loved Camilla and since I am quite certain my parents will never move and they have no intention of selling our property, Jennifer will be always part of our house.
I feel lonely, because even though Jennifer's ashes are here and now I feel like Jennifer's spirit can visit the house, the house is silent and empty. I still instinctively "look" for Jennifer. Whenever we return to the house and come through the front door, and my dad goes to unlock the door, I relate the opening of the door and the turning of keys with Jennifer's greeting. She usually lay right in front of the door and stirred immediately when it opened; she always was waiting for us to come back or she'd come running from wherever she was to see who it was. Or she'd simply stand at attention, knowing we were back or somebody of her family was back. But, she's not there behind the door or bathed in golden light or lying in between the chair and the couch in the TV room or curled in her brown plush bed in the laundry room. I can see her in every spot and sometimes I feel like she's still there. But when I search for her, she's invisible and clearly not there.
I can't stop myself from not doing homework and doing what I should be doing to work towards my goal of next May dog re-talks. I need to do it, because if I don't keep up my end of the bargain, I shall become distracted and overfly fixated and my grades will plummet. I fear that immensely and I have no intention of doing any such thing, but I am scared I won't be able to control myself. I thought I was done weeping and would simply be sad and miss Jennifer during specific hours on specific days or every day, but the pain is still as fresh as it was when I realized Jennifer was no longer spry and safe in her age. The tears are still flowing and there's an uncomfortable swelling in the place where if I were a man, the Adam's Apple would be. It's a tightness and a sore feeling that always comes when you are very sad and have or will begin to cry. I can feel it, like the ache in my spine from slouching too much at the computer and the stiffness on my sides.
I regret eating that chicken sandwich yesterday. And the mango pudding this morning and the sandwich I made. Why did I do those things? I wasn't hungry, I didn't need it. I did it, because at the time it was either social or necessary. I have to eat, but I'm not hungry. Food is not the least bit interesting. Whatever feeling or excitement associated with whatever I happened to have wanted, goes away almost immediately or while I am eating it. I didn't need it. Same with clothes purchased. I really shouldn't go shopping or anything. I really don't want any material or edible things. I am really sad and I really want a dog.
From the research I collected this morning and reading and thinking, I have come to the decision that I will indeed lead our family to a rescue or shelter dog, and it will come from one of three locations:
1) The San Jose Animal Care & Service Center
2) German Shepherd Rescue of Northern California
3) Golden State Greyhound Adoption/Greyhound Friends for Life (essentially same type of organization, same format/application process)
I have to say neither of the three types of dogs that are offered at these locations are what I had in mind for the rest of my life. I never would have considered a small dog (usually what is at standard shelters) or a Greyhound for that matter. I have always admired German Shepherds, being quite attracted to large dogs with big ears and primarily people-dogs, but didn't consider having one myself. I realized after having Jenni, that I prefer dogs who are all about "me/people" than other dogs. I would rather have a dog who only likes people than a dog who doesn't like really anything, but food and sleep which is just what Maverick prefers, although he does enjoy his people, they just aren't his first priority. My experiences at the shelter have changed my opinion greatly and made me less apprehensive of some dog breeds and more aware of ones I had heard about in the past.
I figured that if I really wanted to make a difference in the life of a dog, giving a home to a former racing animal who by no doubt has had a shit life, would be a Greyhound. And we had a friend or rather an acquaintance that had a Greyhound rescue and was very content with their dog. I've been reading and they live far longer than most large dogs as they aren't plagued by many diseases that most large over bred dogs have. So that's an upside against the German Shepherd, which I am putting first next to getting another Standard Poodle. I forgot!
Another option, which is sort of a wild card:
Bay Area Poodle Rescue/Northern California Poodle Rescue/Southern California Poodle Rescue
All three of those places have very little Standard Poodles that come through their organizations compared to the other places.
But I have to get my homework done first, and my grades raised.
Good news is though. I had a talk with my mom and she said that she and my dad are beginning to realize how much I need another dog, especially dad who was the most adamant about not thinking about one. So there is hope. I hope.
But for now, I must get my homework done. NOW. So I can stop being to stressed.
posted by Chinny at
2:10 PM
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