So yeah relationships...

I feel so questioned, so lost here.

I know these are inappropriate feelings, because if you knew my college, you would understand. Women's College. Very open. Pretty liberally aligned. Very loving. Very receptive. Very absorbing. Kind of like a tampon or pad, nasty comparison, but you get it? For females of anatomy and of belief and all their supporters.

SO with such an environment I would have thought I would not feel so questioned, so lost about relationships when it comes to them and my college. But I am. I feel like I am alone when I am not. I am not alone, because there is Nagasasu and Fragrance. They are single and at least, when I have spoken with Fragrance, she feels the same way if not simply understands.

As for the others. Well, they aren't so single and I should not say that they are not understanding, but they are to the extent that they are unable to satisfy my understanding of "understanding." Does that make...any sense? I mean I don't want to draw back to my entire post about Sex, which you can find in the archives of the spring of this this year, I believe is when I wrote it.

Anyway, I don't think I know what I want anymore, which makes me wonder if my earlier seemingly strong decision to not aim for any relationship now or later, is something I should rethink. I mean obviously I am only a sophomore in college and therefore I should not be making any sweeping, general statements of experience or decision, because I am only as old as I am, but I feel as older than I am. I feel like I am out of place and out of time. I feel horrified when I read "Streams to the River, River to the Sea" which chronicles the life of Sacagawea who was married and impregnated approximately at the age of 13. Perhaps a little older, maybe 13-15, but still. Her "husband" was probably in his mid 20's or 30's. And I'm even put off by people having sex at my age. I don't know why, I have always felt the same when I was 11 and people were "dating" and then when I was 15 and people were having sex and dating. And now, when it is appropriate for people to be...doing both. I GUESS.

But that's not what I mean to be talking about. Sex isn't relationships and relationships isn't sex, when it comes to me.

I mean relationship. A relationship for me.

My friends have boyfriends or girlfriends and plans and futures with or without who they have now, but many are confident they will have a relationship and make it permanent by marriage.

I don't have those feelings. I used to, but that was a childhood fairytale. I believe more in Totoro than I do in myself getting married and having sex and having a child that is of my blood. In fact, those are not so much beliefs as they are fairytales, because I do not want to have a child of my own blood. I find more kinship from an adopted child than one of my blood. I have only my blood in my bones beneath my flesh and filling my form. It's my blood and the mixing of blood with another to create a new life is what my parents did before me and their parents before them. But then they gave their blood, they gave me away, because they did not want my blood, which was their blood and my parents who blood made no child of their own, was me. I was me. And they were mine. My parents are my parents and the blood within me of the blood that was given to me, made by that blood is not parents' blood. Just blood. No names, barely faces. No love. Just blood.

People who are not adopted fail to understand, at least the ignorant ones with narrow minds and narrow hearts, fail to understand what it means to adopt and to be adopted. It is not an action that carries on with the children and the families. It was something that happened, not something that is always happening even after the action was done. I was adopted. Emphasis on was. I was a baby, I was ten days old when I no longer had parents. Officially. I think I was always the daughter of my parents since I was born, because the woman and the man only wanted a boy. I was not a boy and therefore I was never ever their daughter.

You see?

No, if you are the person I think you are, you don't understand and never will understand. So try harder and then have your own children of your own egg or sperm. But if you are who I think you are, you are the most wonderful and loving person and you understand. So I thank you.

I am not going to put my life and what I want in my life on hold, because I am not dating, not having a boyfriend whose serious and ready to commit or because I'm not married. I am not doing that. Hell no. If I'm ready to have a kid and can provide for that child and have everything else in my life set, I am going forward. I am adopting like I planned to do for years.

You see there are some women out there who are still waiting for that first kiss, for hands to be held and for that first sexual experience and have expectations and plans. I have an idea. I have wishes. I have few desires. I am not exactly inclined to have sex, I don't need it, as you should already know. It's not really me. There are women who put off having children until they have a husband and wait and wait. My mother did that and I don't think that was wrong of her, but I do not want to be in her position or my father's. They are in their 60's and raising myself and my younger sister who is due to turn 12 on September 15th. I want to be retired and no longer directly involved with the rearing of children when I am their age. My children will be grown and independent, and still always a part of my life, but either graduates of college or working careers or getting married. Maybe I'll be a grandparent! But I do not want to be raising a child at that point.

My parents are Saints. I know. I do. They are amazing and strong and the best parents. They are wise and imparted much of that in me. They did a great job and they get compliments all the time. Unfortunately Lianne is not showing all of that yet, but I have to say they did relax quite a bit with her.

Anyway, the way I see my life with relationships is two ways:

Open dating. Lots of good guy friends who I can have dates with, not really serious, but mainly for companionship. Not hooking up. No sex. Just dates. Maybe it will be groups of men and women in pairs or uneven. Maybe just the two of us, maybe flirting and having a good time doing sports or seeing movies or eating dinner. But nothing serious and all mutual. Feelings are not unsaid or invisible, everything is discussed and agreed upon to avoid awkwardness and one sided romanticism.

OR

One mate for life.

I don't want to do divorce or have more than a string of boyfriends I didn't really care about and who weren't ever going to be serious/commit to anybody or just wanted my body. I would rather have one mate for life than 15 boyfriends. God I'm about the farthest thing from a serial dater as a Teddy Bear is to reproducing asexually.

That's all I really want out of relationships. Just one man for the rest of my life. Apparently this is what all women want, but not many are lucky enough to get that on their first try or second or third or sometimes never find it if they aren't skinny, pretty, beautiful, amazing, etc. I sure as hell aren't any of those things to the sexual degree or appeal of a male fantasy.

But then again, I'm not very comfortable around people. Just the company of my cast of best friends. Mostly female. I'm not even comfortable and I get very shy around particular guy friends/acquaintances.

Which makes me think of what I want more in life: a relationship or my friends? Which from experience seems to be a common choice many of my friends have had to make. The guy who gives me that dilemma will be dumped immediately. My friends have always been my life. And he should know that.

Which is why the plan of me living with my friends as housemates for pretty much all of our lives, is what I really want.

So far, it seems many of my friends are keen on the idea and at least, Elise and I have a strict understanding that we are going to be housemates, as of this summer that was the agreement/understanding. I will kick her ass and she will undoubtedly kill me if I go back on that promise. She should have no fear. And I better not have any either. RIGHT ELISE?!

I'd rather be single for the rest of my life and live with friends forever and be a single mother with dogs, than wait around like fucking Cinderella for my man who may or may not be coming.

I'm not giving up. I'm just saying I'm not going to delude myself or be disappointed if it never happens. I will try, but part of this is me. I may not really want a relationship even though people think I do, even though I think I do. I'm beginning to think I'm looking for a relationship, because that is what is traditional, normal, expected and conventional. Well, then you should hear what I have to say about Western Weddings as a nonbeliever/non Christian...

SO bottom line.

Back off and let me be and just take me for what I am. Who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn. Take me baby or leave me. (c) Jonathan Larson "RENT"