Sixth Day
My mom yelled at me. She says I'm making myself miserable and I don't deserve it. I don't even remember what she said. I just heard "moving on."
I guess I don't want to move on. Hence why I am making myself miserable. I don't want to let go either. Both sound and seem so cruel. And evil.
Going on with life is really the on thing I can do. Because the pain is not going to lessen. I have sporadic times when I just start crying. And I keep thinking she's somewhere at home, waiting for me. But it's really just me waiting for her. And she's never coming back.
Mom yelling at me. Telling me things I should be doing. It really hurts. I don't want people telling me what to do and how I will feel in X amount of time. Jennifer wasn't just a dog. Sometimes I wonder if she was her own species of Poodle, of dog. And really part human. I don't know what she was, but I know who she was. And I wish she could have left me instructions or a will or something. Something that would tell me or give me hope that she would be OK and what she wanted me to do.
Mom told me, because she was so easy going and compliant with whatever I wanted, anything I do would be OK. That gives me more fear than peace. I really am a selfish being. I always have been. Wanting this and that, and not doing more for what she wanted.
But I did. I always loved her, no matter what I did or said contrary to belief. I gave her my love and pretty much all of my heart. I just regret everything I did wrong. Even though Mom is probably right and she forgave me for everything.
She wants me to be happy. It's so hard. I need to try harder.
I guess I don't want to move on. Hence why I am making myself miserable. I don't want to let go either. Both sound and seem so cruel. And evil.
Going on with life is really the on thing I can do. Because the pain is not going to lessen. I have sporadic times when I just start crying. And I keep thinking she's somewhere at home, waiting for me. But it's really just me waiting for her. And she's never coming back.
Mom yelling at me. Telling me things I should be doing. It really hurts. I don't want people telling me what to do and how I will feel in X amount of time. Jennifer wasn't just a dog. Sometimes I wonder if she was her own species of Poodle, of dog. And really part human. I don't know what she was, but I know who she was. And I wish she could have left me instructions or a will or something. Something that would tell me or give me hope that she would be OK and what she wanted me to do.
Mom told me, because she was so easy going and compliant with whatever I wanted, anything I do would be OK. That gives me more fear than peace. I really am a selfish being. I always have been. Wanting this and that, and not doing more for what she wanted.
But I did. I always loved her, no matter what I did or said contrary to belief. I gave her my love and pretty much all of my heart. I just regret everything I did wrong. Even though Mom is probably right and she forgave me for everything.
She wants me to be happy. It's so hard. I need to try harder.
posted by Chinny at
2:07 PM
1 Comments:
I don't think you should try to be happy if you're not? That seems counterproductive to grieving, and there's all those steps to grieving anyway; it's not like it's going to vanish instantly. I guess what I'm trying to say is grieve at your own pace.
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