Fifth Day Part 3

I am so lost.

A second dog is like a band aid for my open wound, Jennifer. I think it would distract me, but maybe suppress my problems. Plus I think it would tarnish Jennifer's memory. Wouldn't it?

I don't know what to do now.

My mom thinks Jennifer was a mistake. I can't believe she said that to me. I can't believe she said that.

I don't know what to do. I think I'm going crazy. Like always, my mom doubts me and goes, "But you don't look it?" She also insisted that I didn't need her emotional support, because I happen to "look like I don't need it" in reference to my age. And she said Lianne needed it more. Lianne does not have serious problems that can be fixed by mom's emotional intervention. Believe me, she doesn't and well, technically I don't either. But I need her more than Lianne does. Especially now. Lianne did not love Jennifer as much as I did. Or even to a degree. She did not do much with Jennifer voluntarily. She seemed to openly prefer Emerson over Jennifer. Which didn't bother me, except she kept harassing me about walking Emerson, but she couldn't handle him and he was MY charge. I would be responsible for him if he got away from her and I did not want to lose my good friends' NEW DOG.

Anyway. I am going crazy.

I miss Jennifer and being happy for her is very hard. There are moments when I happy, but they disappear. I still look for Jennifer and am still in disbelief that she is gone. I'm so crazy and upset, I'm forming a zit. I only get them when I am not healthy. I'm losing my appetite. And feeling nauseous and I get headaches.

I just cry spontaneously now. I miss her so much.

So I am left with no options, alternatives and no suggestions. Going to the shelter, waiting for the next dog/getting another dog and training a guide dog are all bad ideas. Getting over Jennifer is something I cannot do. That is out of the question. Time will heal all wounds. You can kiss my ass. Anybody who has said that or anything along the lines, did not and will not understand my friendship with Jennifer.

Do you get over your best friend when they die? Or a sibling?

I feel like I have lost a limb and still haven't realized I'm missing my arm. People learn to overcome the challenges they face by not having an arm and get used to it, but I don't think they get over the fact they lost their arm. People staring, asking questions and the limitations they face socially due to people being assholes. Yeah, Jennifer was not an arm, but she was a part of me that has been severed and cut out. And I am missing her.

She had to go. It was her time and wanting her to stay alive for me is cruel, but she wanted more than anything to be with us. Where is she now? Is she OK? Is she looking for us? Is she lonely? I fear that. What if when I die we are reunited and then she sees all of these other dogs I've had? I don't know. It just seems wrong. I know if she hadn't been sick, she would have played with Emerson and gone on walks and ran around and have been at my side the whole time. She just was so unfortunate. It wasn't fair. And it hurt so much to see her cry and try to keep up with Emerson. It broke my heart.

I hope she's running around now. I hope whenever she is, she is happy and I hope that we will reunite one day and if I do have other dogs, it will be OK with her.

But right now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if other dogs are a good idea. But it's my only solution at the moment. But it's not a good one. And unacceptable to my family.

What do I do?