End of the Year Message (College)

They say they will miss me
279
And I will tell them that they are wrong
Only because
There will never be
279
And
I will be here so they cannot miss me
And I will tell them to miss
279
And then they will say
They will say they will miss me
And
279

If someone had told me who I was going to befriend this year and told me of all our adventures, I am not certain I would have believed. Well, people were told many things that they were certain they would not believe and yet, here we are.

And I am so happy that we are.

I have always been something more than an average worry wart. In fact, I might terrify you if I detailed just how much I worry about things. Things that I cannot control. Things I could not control. Like getting older, which means more responsibility and higher expectations, and college. Well, obviously I am neither first nor the last person to fear going to college. Shocking I know. But I feared it. And then for a while, the fear subsided, but that first day at Mills. The moving. The unpacking. The assembling. The leaving. The meeting. And then that first night in 279, alone.

I remember lying in bed crying, because I was certain that I would never find friends, because apparently "everyone" were in "groups" already. I just remember while I was crying, I began to wonder if I had made a mistake, but then again, my college prospects had not exactly been the greatest and I remembered my Senior year, and I did not want to cry those tears again.

This morning I woke up in that same bed. And felt pain again, the kind of pain that induces tears, but only because, I knew that the rooms that you guys were once in were slowly being emptied. I got up to go to the bathroom this morning and looked down the hall and could not believe how empty it was. Almost everything was bare.

And then when I starting packing and emptying my room, I began to feel memories suddenly filling the void of 279.

I was so happy this year, the happiest perhaps I've been in all my academic life. We've all shared our experiences prior to Mills and I hope it is safe to assume, that perhaps this is the same for most everyone. Even it if isn't true, this is the happiest I have ever been apart from my high school friends, who are the only reason I did not disappear. I am so happy that they kept me going, because if they hadn't and I hadn't tried so hard, I would not have been here. I would not have met you guys and I would have regretted that decision all my life.

Because as much I would not have believed I was going to meet you, I would have damned myself a fool indefinitely for not coming here.

I am so happy we are friends. So happy. So happy it is hard writing this, because although it is not the end and yes, we will all be seeing each other this summer (quite soon actually), you guys are a part of my life now and for me, I just wonder how I will spend most of my days these next few months without you everyday.

Such an odd feeling not to be lying in a bed that faces the hills and when I can't sleep, I can just watch the comings and goings of people in the glass building across from my primary window. And I won't have you bursting into my room when I unlock the door to simply scare the bejesus out of me, or just to say hi or at unGodly hours when people are building furniture, take refuge. I won't be sharing every meal with you and you won't be piling on top of each other and snuggling on my bed, watching a movie. I won't be sitting next to you on the public transit. In fact, we can't use it.

But even worse, you won't be down the hall and I won't be either.

I won't be in my room. Well, what was my room. No longer my room. Somebody else's 279.

You never intruded. You never bothered me. Even when I said I was angry. Even when I said I was sad. Even when I said I was annoyed. You never bothered me. Not once. There were times when I wanted to be alone, or thought I wanted to be alone. But even then, I missed you. I really hate being alone. In fact, I am perfectly certain I did not want to be alone, but I just didn't know how to ask for you. So I just missed you. Every time.

Thank you for never letting me be alone.

Thank you for being there. Even if you could not solve my problems or make them go away or completely understood them, you always always tried. There was somebody who would listen, but it surprised me how fast we fell into friendship. Maybe faster than we realized, faster than we were comfortable and faster than I could actually determine when we became friends and when it was real, but it happened. It happened. Thank goodness.

So I won't be seeing you everyday.

Well, at least not until August.

It would be selfish to keep you to myself, because there are people want us home. I feel terrible. But I do not care being selfish if it meant I could live, laugh and love with you guys.

I guess I will just have to wait until the next time I see you.

Apart until August.

I will be so happy, so excited. I want to see you smile and laugh and wave. I want to hear all of your stories.

And then we can start all over again.

I can't wait!

I will always be your 279.