Changes

The days are starting to blur together and well, it's hard to determine when exactly things began to change and who they were exactly changing for, which leads back to the whole "when" and well, I will do my best to recount what happened, but most of all, how I feel.

I'm so tired. I don't know where to begin, because it's come out before and over again, and it's partially in the past, but mostly lingering in my future and I don't really want it to stay in between. I wish it was over and I wish I never felt these feelings that I have and had, but it's impossible to make them disappear and dissipate into nothingness or turn off like an switch, because believe me, if it were possible, it would have been done. Unfortunately, I am only human and capable of human errors and human feelings.

I feel exhausted. I am mentally drained. Physically, I am slowly beginning to succumb to the effects.

I am disappointed. I did not ever believe I misplaced any trust or deliberately led on, but I do not doubt or deny that I believe I was played for a fool.

I am perhaps, just too nice. Too easy. I lead myself into my own traps. I shoot myself in the foot. Because I always always forget, that history repeats itself.

Perhaps Shameen was right. People just suck. People are the same. The more that has occurred to me, the more I understand her. Her disappointment. Her feelings. I didn't before, because I wanted to have faith in people, but I'm beginning to see the patterns.

I told people repeatedly how much I have been hurt and disappointed. I didn't want to believe that I couldn't be friends with people who are in relationships, because that is silly and juvenile, but apparently not so ridiculous for a person with my background and history. Respectively. I have been hurt. Badly. And I trusted individuals to the extent and with the knowledge that there would be "us time" rather than "them time", because "them time" was not a priority as much as it was spending time "together." Unfortunately, as my mother told me, "Love makes fools out of people."

I believe that.

Maybe I will never understand or comprehend what is it like to be in love, to fall in love, but I have heard many things about it and have seen it. Never experienced it. I do love, naturally, but not a romantic love.

I am just as much as a fool as other people, but my worries and outrageous acts, are usually not ones that affect relationships or put a strain on people. I worry more than ever about my dog, because she is older and aging, but I will not let her come between my other relationships, although she is one of my dearest companions.

I made a vow to myself that I would never forget what it was like to be single. I vowed that I would never make another single person feel as horrible and become as devastated as I, as disappointed, as I have felt before. Nobody should feel this way. Nobody, especially by people who have felt the same way as I have. I just don't understand how they have forgotten. How could they have forgotten?

No. I was forgotten. I was alone in my own company. A stranger in my own house. Unwanted and unneeded, except for food and shelter. Entertainment was unnecessary to be provided by myself. I felt so strange. So alienated. And stupid. I felt so stupid.

I can't always tell my right from my left. I hate it when men stare at me. I get my words mixed up. And I know I'm not that bright. But you don't need to remind me. You do not need to remind me. I know. I have said many a time and as clearly as I could about my relationship history, but I feel disrespected. Continually. I do not need to be reminded that I am bad with directions, that I will never have a relationship if I hate being touched/stared at. But you know what? Has it ever been considered that I am happy the way I am? Or do you really want me to change?

The worst summer days.

Gods. I hate feeling the way I do. I kept telling myself that. My mom that. I tried so hard to keep it to myself. But I walked out. I had to, you understand. I had to leave. I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. I vented. I thoroughly peeled through the events and emotions and drafted and planned a way to make peace.

And then all was well again. I couldn't be angry with you all for long. But then you angered me again.

I told you. I told you. I told you.

Take time for yourselves! It's OK to be alone for a while. Figure out yourselves together, before being with us, all together. Figure out what works and what doesn't.

But it was insisted it was unnecessary.

I believed you. I BELIEVED YOU! I didn't want you to be like the others. The others who had lied. Who had forgotten. Who had forsaken. Who hurt me. I didn't think you would hurt me. I didn't think you could hurt me. But it hurt. It hurt so badly. I cried. I was so angry. I was disappointed.

I was so upset.

I needed help. I needed support. I needed assistance. My house is big, but so our problems. I've got a sister, a mother, a dog and a father. We aren't all able bodied and we aren't all well.

And being disappointed. I don't think I can bear to be hurt again in this same way as I have been hurt and hurt before. I don't do well with relationships.

When I tease her, I'm not attacking her. If you weren't together, you would just laugh and tease back. But you don't. You fight me. I'm not fighting you. I'm being your friend. Don't you remember me? I'm your friend. Why are you fighting me? Is it me? Do you hate me?

Do you want me to leave? Why don't you tell me? You tell me that I have to tell you when boundaries are breached, but what about you? Why don't you say anything? You point out my faults and flaws.

Complaining, worrying, and being silent, doesn't help me. It doesn't help me.

I hated the feeling of relief when you left. I hated the way we parted. Do you know much I hate myself for disliking you? I know what I'm trying to say. But what I'm communicating is difficult, you understand?

This doesn't mean I hate you. It doesn't mean I don't want us to be friends, because you are together and you didn't tell me outright. It doesn't mean I don't ever want you to visit again.

I just want you understand. Please, understand.

I want you to be honest. Because you keep telling me I have to tell you when I'm upset, but you have to know when I'm upset. Know my limits. And respect them. It's not up to me, all the time.

I want you to help. Help me. Ask. Listen or learn. Attentive. Or simply do. Do. Don't ask. Just do.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being unable to be angry. I want to be myself. I want to be respected.

I'm so tired. Just so tired. Or being tired.

I wish we had said goodbye, before we left.

But I was too angry. I made plans for you many many times. But you ignored them. Each time.

You made plans without telling me. When were you going to tell me? Those plans? Plans. How many plans did you make without telling me? How many?

I can't think anymore. I'm just tired. Very tired.

Do you know how much you make me hate myself? How angry I become?

Do you know me? I am not angry often. Easily angered. But this is what angers me. Because this is what is important to me.

Friendship. I value friendship above all else. Friendship is something that I do not fuck around with. Do not fuck around with me, because I value you. You are valuable to me. But you must prove it to me. Because I don't know what to do anymore.

Friendship is most important to me. I take it seriously. Very seriously.

But now...I'm just so tired. I just don't know what to do.