Drifting Away--Saturday, May 9, 2009 at 12:30pm

Preface: One of my New Year's resolutions this year was to be more "honest." I am an honest person, I do not make up lies and tell them to you all, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been always honest with you. What I mean by that is, many times (particularly this year) you tell me things and I say, "I'm so happy for you" , but inside, as much as I want to be happy for you. I'm not.

What I mean when I say, "I want to be more 'honest'", I mean that I want to be able to tell you how I feel or don't feel, because that is what a good friend does. I want to be a better friend to you all, so that is why I'm going to share with you some details that I want you all to know.

Some of you already and some of you don't, because it's been taking me awhile to share with you all. I want to tell you the whole story.

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This year has been the worst year for me in my entire high school career.

Not necessarily academically, but emotionally. I have never hated school so much in my life as I have this year. Or myself for that matter.

I am not the same fun and friendly, even "nice" Laura that you remember.

Remember the last time you saw me. The last time I laughed, smiled or joked with you. And compare that against when we speak now via anything (phone, person, aim, etc).

I have been very unhappy this year. I have changed quite a bit and I know these changes may explain why I have been less social or less patient with you all. I have always been a little shy and a little awkward with people, especially new people, but due to things like Explo and just more experience, I was beginning to grow out of that. I used to be the one cajoling some of my friends out their shells, but now the roles have switched.

I don't know what to do around people anymore. I'm not scared, I'm tired even lazy, too lazy or tired to talk to people anymore. I want to make an effort to talk to people, you even, but I don't know what to say. Or I don't want to say anything given certain subjects.

In the past I prided myself being more tolerant of behaviors that some of you would not be able to deal with on immediate terms, while I said something like, "Maybe it's because he/she feels...does..can't do...has had..."

No more. I either love it or hate it or have no opinion, which is pretty rare for me these days.

I have become a terrible person. I get into foul moods quite easily or for no reason at all. Simple differences in opinions make me furious, for reasons I understand only later.

For example, I very rudely put down my friend Dana when she said she was considering joining a college community like a sorority when she got into university. I also made a negative comment about her talking about tattoos.

When I had calmed down I realized the source of my anger was actually fear. I said, "If you join a sorority I'll never speak to you again." What I was really saying was, "If you do join a sorority, please still talk to me."

I'm sorry Dana.

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Subjects like relationships or college make me angry.

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I applied to: Grinnell, Indiana, SJSU, Colorado, Macalester, Santa Clara and Mills College. I was only accepted by two. Before I knew I was accepted by Mills, my first choice, I was forced to listen to my friends and my classmates say:

"I don't know where to go. I got a full ride to UCLA and a half ride to Berkeley."

"Oh did you hear that she/he got into Stanford?"

"Yeah and he/she is going to Boston. Harvard. Cal Tech. Columbia. Rice. North Western."

But it wasn't only not getting into college that hurt me. I didn't know if I even wanted to go to college, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go on at all. I wasn't sure if my dreams meant anything anymore. If I wanted to pursue them.

College has caused my family is tear apart over finances and differences in opinion. It's embarrassing, as our fights have been exposed to friends. I am still embarrassed by those of you who've see us at our very worst.

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And relationships. I have never had a real "relationship", which has never bothered me and to an extent does not bother me now. I am not upset that I am not going to prom with a boy or will ever, because I have nine lovely friends who are going stag with me.

However, this year seems to have an opposite effect on many of you or previous years, has granted you with relationships. Please understand this. Part of Laura, a deep underlying percentage is very pleased to know that some of you have gone to prom with a person you preferred or are in a happy relationship.

Another part of Laura is crushed. I know that I have shared or you have endured my tumultuous woes concerning "crushes" which most of you know have never ended "happily ever after." I know that the reason that I'm so upset is because I have never had someone who liked me like me back without a catch, whether it was: distance, rebound or a creepy stalker.

I want to apologize to Olivia, Grace, Anissa, Tracy and James. I have failed you all as a friend in the sense of support to your relationships or couple outings.

I wish I could be 100% happy for you all.

Someday I will be.

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Drifting away.

I admit I am drifting away from my friends who I do not see on a regular basis.

I am closer to the friends that I see everyday at school, because they know about these changes too and they see them. But even so, I feel alienated from them as well, because I don't know what they think about these changes either. I have told them and apologized, but some of them have assured me that are not bothered or understand.

I want to remain friends with you all as hard as it is for me to talk to you or interact with you all. I'm going to try hard to get over this. Some days are better than others. Some days start good and end bad. Or start bad and end good. Or for days on end nothing gets better. I'm going to try.

I wanted all of you to know this, because I wanted to be honest and because friends are the only people that keep me going.