I'm so numb

I have taken a lover: music.

I seek solace: sleep.

I pine after: love, acceptance and all that fluffy jazz.

---

This year has reinforced/increased my hatred for my high school. I hate all my classes this year. I hate all, but one teacher, for sure. I absolutely hate Physiology with a fiery passion. I have never liked science, but boy this is the epitome of the worst. The teacher? I think...She needs to study less for her Master's and more for understanding how to properly and maturely deal with rowdy high schoolers. Well not rowdy, but how to earn our respect and how to freaking teach. Copying every move and mark from the other Physio teacher (eccentric, crazy lady, also new and inexperienced) is not going to win any respect or teach you anything. Besides, isn't that cheating? Taking the easy way out? Yeesh. And also, WE DO NOT HAVE TIME TO DEDICATE EVERY MINUTE TO YOUR CLASS.

For example, I have THE WORST SCHEDULE IN SENIOR HISTORY: six classes. Two through seven.

Yeah, isn't that wonderful? Want to try it out? Piece of cake. Rotten, decomposing carrot cake with soil instead of flour and worms, real worms, no gummi candy and slugs for frosting. Be my guest.

I am going steadily insane. My temper? Unimproved, though I discovered my severe mood as of lately, was due to PMS. Shut up.

Well, I guess...Nah, my temper has improved. Slightly. I'm no longer as crabby (ha~) but I'm still rather onery. I mean, I have tolerance for small things still, but I'm mostly just numb. Like the Linkin Park song--good stuff. I just want to escape. I want to run and keep going. I can barely look back, let alone keep my eye lids open.

The only thing keeping me from totally slipping into suicical stupidity and insanity is my friends. I love them. You saved me. Know that and be happy. No sarcasm, no barbs. Just honesty. You saved me. Not all, but most. Some of you drive me mad, some of you piss me damn off, but the majority and most individuals, you saved me.

I thank you deeply, because I need you guys. I want you guys around. I can't believe...That maybe, just maybe if I manage to graduate and pass and go on, I'll have to say "Goodbye."

I hate saying goodbye. Figuratively and literally. To the dead and the living alike. I can, but I hate it. I'll be in withdrawal. Like Biscotti-gazzi-withdrawal, they'll be H-Squad withdrawal x ~ 14ish.

MUSIC

Lately I've been broadening my taste for music, it varies upon my mood which decides my preference but lately it's been:

Muse --> NOT BECAUSE OF TWILIGHT *with vemon!*
Katy Perry
Shiny Toy Guns -->very select
Pink
Sugarcult
Fall Out Boy
Coldplay
The Cab
Cobra Starship --> very select
Papa Roach's "Forever"
Linkin Park
Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer"

Etc, etc, etc.

Happy beautiful balallds or wild, angst rantings. For characters, for moods. For me. I need my musical lover, those many voices feminine or masculine, daunting and haunting.

SLEEP

I'm having strange dreams or no dreams. I guess that's normal. I can't get to sleep very well or sometimes I'm just out. And I can't get up.

I told my doctor, that was last year and months ago. Last year as in 2008. I don't get enough sleep.

LOVE

I don't know when you know you're in love. Movies, books, TV Shows, media and people. They saw you can fall in love now. I'm young. High school young. Can you fall in love in high school? I guess so. People have married high school sweethearts. It's worked out, for them. And maybe not. But I don't think you can. I have my doubts, but there's hope laced doubts. I doubt my doubts.

Love or lust? Those four lettered L-words.

I'm scared of love, because I've had experiences that were bad. Bad. Not bad bad like rape or abuse bad. Nothing like that. Just silly and sad. I've just been used. I am the rebound girl. Maybe guys can sense, they just know I'm inexperienced and a noob to dating and stuff. So they use me. I don't know why. I'm not even beautiful.

I'm awkward and average.

But I still want love, I think I deserve it. I'm not a terrible person. I really am not a terrible person. I'm not desperate, I really am not. I haven't like flirted shamelessly or worn too tight clothes or "asked for it." I won't stoop that low. But I do worry. I'm scared I will be alone. Stupid right? But I am.

I'm scared of intimacy beyond innocence. I really am. I am deeply frightened. Some can't wait, some don't wait. I am terrified.

I just can't imagine, I haven't imagined a man that I can be completely open around. That can see me for who I am and what I am. And see me with and without clothes. A man I would trust to Judgement Day. Till Death Do Us Part. OK, when that times does come. But I can't imagine. Not won't, CAN'T.

I am only 17.

I am not one of those girls who would already fantansize once with a guy about marriage and children. Believe me, I would love that one day, but not now and certainly not in college. Eh...Actually, about children...That's another fear of mine. Irksome too. No tolerance for small children right now. Middle schoolers. Don't let me near me. They piss me off. Esspecially CD Boy. Know this, CD Boy, I could kill you by sitting on you. Don't provok a heavily hormonally imbalanced Senior Girl like me. I also have 13 back ups.

Anyway...If I had a boyfriend, I would never do the following:

1.) Take him shopping.

I see boyfriends at the mall all the time, hanging around painfully bored while their girlfriend takes their sweet time in the store. That's awful. And then she dumps him with the load, I know he offers to carry it, but still. It's your stuff and you made him wait for eons. And gold diggers, if you want money so badly there are other options. I don't want to subject my boyfriend to that. I would feel so bad for making him wait for me, I'd just do my shopping really fast to prevent that. So, unless he's 1000 % sure he wants to come, I'd just tell him to hang with his friends for a day while I go shopping with my shopping buddies.

2.) Make him pay for Formal/Prom completely

Old fashioned, please. New fashion. Dutch is better. I know my mom was like, "Just let him do it. He asked." That isn't really fair.

3.) Expect him to buy me corsage.

If he was good with making like balloon critters or like...I dunno, oragami. DO THAT! I'd be sooo impressed and I don't really want a flower that's going to be smooshed beneath three inch heels and shiny dress shoes after an hour. Besides, I've got allergies. Mild, but still.


And just so he'd know, I have been pursued by girls before. Yeah, my friend called me "A Midget Known To Lesbians", as my title. I'm not a midget, I'm just waaay short for tall and slightly taller than short. I'm 5'2 on good days. Anyway, the girls treated me like their guy, soooo it blessed me with insight. I know what you guys have to endure now and for one thing...I won't cling unless we're like...I dunno cuddling? I like my space too. And I won't ask you permission to do everything when you don't want to treat me like property.

On that subject, I don't want to be your property. I mean girls like it when you are protective and a little, A LITTLE possessive, I mean it's flattering. But if you're a crazy control freak and like violently jealous...You're borderling on a restraining order.

You trust me, I trust you. You can have your girl--friends. And I'll have my boy--friends. Platonic assured. I won't cheat on you. I'll try to be honest and open. I'll tell you if things are down hill.

Don't believe me? I've been USED. I've had guys lie to me. No guy I had like romantic-esque experiences with...Nothing ended well. It ended. It was all in the moment.

I feel like something, someone is just letting me have a taste of an amazing cake, but I can never have a whole slice.

So it's left me feeling like unwanted shit. Left me wondering if someone is wrong with me or if I'll spend my youthful years alone. I wonder, "When? When?" And hope there will be an answer: "Soon."