I Need Glue

This is just something I found from a while ago:

This year I don't feel like myself anymore. This summer I was very close into figuring out more about who I am and what I'm capable of, but when school started all I figured out was that I've become a big fat bitch.

I can't keep my mouth and emotions from coinciding. I can't keep quiet or think before I talk. I make situations awkward and I add negativity where there wasn't any.

Who said Senior year was easy? I could strangle them right now, because that's what Bitch-Laura would do. And will do. I'm easily angered, annoyed, you name it. I'm belligerent. I'll pick a fight with you if you pick a fight with me and maybe even when there's nothing to begin with.

I delude myself into thinking that I care less and less about what I do and what I become and where I'm applying to and if I'll get in. But in a couple of weeks, several weeks, if I don't show up and when I do with red eyes. You'll know soon enough.

The gift of Early Action.

I'm starting to go downhill, when I should have started from the top. You can probably assume or guess, because I'm here instead of there. Literally.

The words of Yoda keep running through my head, because:

A) He is very wise
B) I am way more of a geek than people realize

"Fear leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side."

Unfortunately, if I don't wake up and smell the Verde (or lack there of; it has been officially-temporarily-via-spring-2009 closed) than I will be walking with Darth Maul and his buddies.

I miss the old me and I know she's somewhere, still here, but she's missing. I think she'll come back. I tell myself and others she'll be back, but I don't really know if I can take messages for Old Laura or if my return-date is accurate. I tell the latter, "She'll be back second semester."

But.

There's always a but.

I don't know. When exactly.

Viola is right. More than right. I am a very pessimistic person.

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I apologize for outbursts, for acid rambles and complaining.

It hurts when there are awkward glances and silences after I'm done.

It hurts knowing that I hurt you or hurt people, because I'm selfish and having a crisis that I just cannot contain to home.

It hurts to smile when I don't mean it and also, because I really need braces.

It hurts because I don't want to hurt anyone and I wasn't my intention.

It's just me.

My feelings have changed this then. Well...Not much. Me as a person is kind of a stagnant thing at the moment. Thing= process. I don't know. Whatever you call it.